“Torture Works for Me,” says Former VP

“Frankly, watching torture gives me a boner, said former Vice President and revisionist historian Dick Cheney on Meet the Press last weekend. Program host, Dick Gregory had asked Mr. Cheney why the Obama administration had received so much flack about abandoning the “harsh interrogation” methods embraced enthusiastically during the Bush years. Seated in his traditional vulture-like pose, neck bent, off kilter mouth twitching, Cheney continued, “there’s nothing like an ear piercing shriek of agony to make my johnson come to attention, and I’m man enough to admit it. When we had those Arab sand monkeys stacked up in Abu Gahrib I could summon a “blue veiner” just thumbing through the daily cell phone shots and if my wife were here she could shout out an “amen”, believe me. But now with all this nonsense about human rights and Constitutional precedent and I don’t know what-all politically correct gibberish O-boy-ma is spouting, I’m lucky to get a half staffer with a double scoop of Viagra.” Absorbing this information, Gregory paused before asking, “but did you get action-able intelligence by water boarding, using thumb screws and crushing testicles?” Cheney waved his hand dismissively. “We tortured ’em until they told us stuff that agreed with our version of reality. If we’d wanted actionable intelligence we would have turned them over to the FBI and you didn’t see that happen, did you? Let’s leave this topic….. I think I’m getting a woody”.