Standing resolutely before supporters in a teal pant suit with lavender pumps, Marcus Bachmann wept openly today as he announced that because his wife, Michele, had garnered only 5% of the vote in the Iowa caucus, he would not be taking his place by her side as First Lady on Inauguration Day.
“I don’t know what went wrong, he sobbed, wringing a linen hanky, God told her to run for president, I know He did because I was listening in on the other line.”
One of the reporters covering the event noted that God had also reportedly told Governor Rick Perry to run as well, and did that mean that both candidates had been punked by their creator? “Listen mister, said the indignant Marcus, “Rick Perry isn’t even fit to coordinate my Michele’s wardrobe. Have you seen what that Texas ruffian wears to campaign rallies? I mean seriously, would God promote someone so gauche as to wear a crew neck under a dress shirt, puleeeeze! And tell me what fashion statement he sends with those tight blue jeans that hug the curves of his wiener. Could Rick Perry cure barbarian gays through prayer and stiff, unrelenting discipline while raking in taxpayer subsidies, as occurs with Bachmann and Associates Pray-Away-the Gay Clinics? I think not! God spoke to Rick Perry? I say liar, liar pants on fire to Texas macho man. God made Michele rank last in the Iowa race so that we would have no doubt about what comes next. He may have closed one door, but he has opened a window. And I think I know just what drapes that window needs!”