Listening sites around the world have been monitoring radio traffic inside the borders of secretive North Korea since the announcement on Monday that Kim Jung il, that country’s most beloved despot had died on Saturday. At first there was little additional information, not even an official statement as to Kim’s actual age, estimated in the west to be between 65 and 70. All that changed today when the state’s Central News Agency divulged that the diminutive dictator had been aboard a train headed for a farm collective in the eastern part of the country when his overly generous heart gave out.
“Our Dear Leader died from overwork,” sobbed a news reader on North Korean Television, as a bright red laser dot from an offstage censor’s rifle danced on her forehead. “He was participating in a musical exercise which we believe is known in the west as the ‘Rusty Trombone’, something usually left to much younger men. But Dear Leader had always been keen to provide the zen-like duality of a hand job while at the same time delivering an enthusiastic rim job upon the nether regions of a lucky young soldier plucked at random from the barracks car of the train. The young guardsman said that just as life left the divine naked body of our earth bound god, Kim was heard to utter, ‘the throbbing, oh my… the throbbing.’ The Most Select Council of Military Endeavors is at this moment attempting to unravel the deeper mystic meaning of Dear Leader’s final pronouncement.”