Rumors about a notorious relic from the Bush administration turned out to be true according to the latest spate of documents posted by Wikileaks. Doctors from Walter Reed Medical Center confirmed that former vice president Dick Cheney is actively seeking a human heart to replace the mechanical pump currently forcing artificial blood through his decaying circulatory system.
“Mr Cheney had expressed annoyance with the current steam powered unit due to the loud wheezing and gurgling noises produced by the Defcon V, that was installed only last year,” said Dr. V.L. Sanderson, of the Walter Reed cardiology unit. “We had hoped to get our hands on a state of the art pump currently being produced in China, but have been informed that all of the pumps coming off the assembly line are needed in washing machines intended for domestic distribution.”
It was reported that Cheney had himself come up with the idea of procuring a human heart and had even flown to Tucson last week in hopes of snagging a still beating organ from the chest of a shooting victim there. “Unfortunately, the patient we had in mind objected to giving up his heart on the grounds of simple human decency. He said that he’d rather see his heart ground up and rendered as dog food than allow Cheney to possess it. Besides which, he was still using it, which made Dick somewhat petulant.” During an appearance on Meet the Press last Sunday, Cheney groused about the selfishness of some Americans: “it’s always about me, me, me, grumbled the former VP, as his mechanical pump clanked and hissed, you’d think that in this time of national tragedy someone would give a little bit of themselves, so that I don’t have to take what I need from someone else.”