Former Vice President Cheney Undergoes Hair Transplant

Contractors at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington, DC reported last week that former Vice President Dick Cheney had shown up while they were having lunch to inquire about transplant surgery.

Frank Parsons, of Medstat Construction, said that he and his colleagues have been in the process of demolishing the century old hospital center since last August when it was officially closed. “The last thing we expected was to find a pasty faced old dude shuffling around in what used to be the admissions section. We thought he might have wandered off from a nursing home or something, but he kept claiming he was the Vice President, so we changed our opinion; we figured he was an escapee from a mental institution. He kept going on and on about needing a transplant and I got so sick of dealing with him, I had my band saw guy run him over to the Bosley Center over on First Street. They do transplants there all the time.”

Secret Service spokesperson Melinda Ferguson said that they had lost track of Mr. Cheney on Tuesday morning when he went missing from his undisclosed location. “We left him playing ‘World of Warcraft’ on his computer, and the next thing you know he’s skipped out wearing his pajamas and slippers. By the time we tracked him down using the GPS chip in his head he’d already undergone the procedure at Bosley. You really can’t blame the folks there, Dick was pretty insistent about getting a transplant and they went ahead, knowing he was good for the fee what with being the former VP and all.”

Lynne Cheney, wife of the former VP, said that her husband has been on a waiting list for a heart transplant for so long that every time the doorbell rings he thinks it’s the pager he was issued when he went on the list. “I’m pretty steamed about the quality of the fake hair they stuck him with at Bosley, but in fairness they did point out that Dick’s immune system would have rejected hair havested from an actual human being.”

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