Appearing at the GOP’s weekly “No On Everything” meeting, House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BONER) spoke out against the current healthcare proposals being discussed in Congress and in the media. Noting the hush that fell over the crowd when he strode up to the podium wearing clown makeup, Boehner hastened to explain his appearance. “As the ‘Party of No’ we have a responsibility to our loyal base, small as that may be these days. I intend to wear this ridiculous face paint to embarrass our illegitimate president into abandoning his clownish behavior or stepping down and returning to Kenya, whichever occurs first”. At this point Boehner attempted to juggle three oranges for reporters but fumbled almost immediately. “As you can see, clowning isn’t one of my strong points, he said, squirting a stream of water into the face of CNN reporter Derek Means, from a lapel mounted faux flower. “This whole healthcare reform nonsense is a perfect example of what’s wrong in Washington these days. We in Congress have top notch taxpayer funded medical care for life, why would we want to ‘reform’ that? Americans all over America would be insulted if I rejected the insurance they provide me. Our foreign born president says he wants affordable healthcare for every man, woman and child in the U.S. and I say that’s just not going to happen. According to the World Health Organization France is number one in delivering healthcare to its citizens. France! Remember Freedom Fries? Right now we’re number 37 , just below Costa Rica and just above Slovenia, but hey, that makes Slovenia number 38! Could we improve on that? Sure, but that would mean delivering expensive medical care to a shit load of unhealthy Americans. Our position is that if you need to see a doctor, you’re obviously a health risk. We can’t ask a reputable insurance company to take you on when you need care…. that would be crazy! Do you get to buy auto insurance after you crash into something? Let’s remember that the goal of insurance companies is to make money and every dollar they waste on doctors and medicine is a dollar that won’t go to CEO’s or shareholders. That’s billions of dollars that won’t be spent on yachts, cottages in the Hamptons and first class hookers. That could wreck the economy and squander the budget surplus left by President Bush. We in the GOP say that America was built on individualism and strong laws against using the wrong orifice during the sacred act of copulation. Sarah Palin said it best when she didn’t quit by resigning as governor: ‘only dead fish go with the flow’, was her rallying cry and only God knows what pit bulls she’ll be putting lipstick on now. bless her heart. So let’s head home to our constituents during this August recess and make the voters understand that if they want everyone to have decent healthcare they should move to France. But maybe not Slovenia”.
GOP: Healthcare Not for the Unhealthy
