Speaking from the stern of her husband’s fishing boat, the Wingnut, former V.P. hopeful Sarah Palin addressed a select group of reporters and citizens in Wasalia, Alaska yesterday. “Excuse me for being a touch out of breath, gasped Alaska’s controversial governor, I was up all night humping a sockeye… that’s what we anglers call it when ya bag the big one, ya know.” Palin displayed a still twitching sockeye salmon as she winked at her husband, Todd, who was wearing a T shirt bearing the logo “I Have the Big One”. Palin went on to say, “I called you all together this morning to hear an important announcement which I’ll be announcing shortly. Before I do, though, I just wanted to compare my governor-incy to a sports metaphor, cause as you know, I was point guard on my high school basketball team and ya know I can still get into those shorts whether I’m guarding points or going after the big one (another wink at Todd). You have to keep your head high and your shoelaces tied to be a success in point guardin’ and in life, too, as well. Not so much when you’re playin’ the flute (another wink) but ya get the drift of what I’m sayin’ here.” A reporter from the Wasalia Flounder shouted out, “what ARE you saying?” Palin hurled the salmon at the vexed journalist. “Now, that’s what I was gettin’ to… about the media and all. I was up here in the northern region minding my own beeswax last year when that McCain feller asked me out to lunch and the next thing ya know I’m on a friggin’ bridge to nowhere. And I said, ‘thanks but no thanks’ and they said I could be the next vice president. Now as ya know I had just given birth to little Bilge Pump, which was the one just after Squiggy. Or was that Sprocket…. anyway, I let go of the big one and got on board and the press and the media and that Katy Couric said I wasn’t ready to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office, which isn’t true of course, because even Joe the Plumber said my pipes were ready to handle the big one…and a plumber would know that, about my pipes and all. But as you can see, I’m about as close to the Oval Office as Vladimir Putin whose head often appears on the horizon over there, being as how we’re neighbors to Russia.” Palin then gathered her family around her at the microphone. “So there ya go, you media people. Go ahead and print that and twist it any way you want because you won’t have Sarah Palin to kick around any more. Anybody have questions?” Washington Post reporter Jeremy Fine, pointing at his blank notebook page, said, “Governor Palin…. why are we here?” Stepping down into a rowboat alongside the Wingnut (the boat, not Todd) shot back, “You’re asking me why you’re here? Go and pray to Jesus for that information. I’m not a theologian, I’m just an ex-governor”.
Palin Fondles Salmon, Resigns
