Michael Jackson Cancels Concert Tour

World media were stunned to learn on Thursday that Michael Jackson has cancelled his upcoming “This is Nuts” concert tour, which was slated to begin in early July. The reclusive pop star, speaking through a medium/publicist from his broken down Neverman Ranch near Los Olivos in northern California said that he had recently lost weight due to concerns that a strong smell of decaying meat emanating from his bedroom might mean that he had died. Madame Olga-Jackson, not related to Jesse Jackson, said that Michael Jackson had been shuttered in the master suite on Neverman ever since his return from the coroner’s office on Saturday. “He was really looking forward to the concert tour, said the publicist/medium, and added that Jackson had been scouring the neighborhood for aluminum cans in order to raise the funds for plane fare to London. Most fans are unaware that the iconic pop star had squandered hundreds of millions buying up his own records to maintain the illusion that he was still the “King of Pop”, a title that had recently shifted to Boy George who promptly rejected it for obvious reasons. “Michael is still reaching out to his fans, said Olga-Jackson, and asks for their understanding during this difficult period in his life.”  A spokesman for the new owner of Neverman Ranch, Colony Capital, said that the Santa Barbara County Sheriff had been contacted about having Mr. Jackson evicted from the 2,800 acre property which had been sold in late 2008. “We’re concerned that this has-been singer is currently stinking up the place, said Malcom Everston, an attorney for Colony Capital, if he thinks he can just move back into Neverman, he’s beating a dead horse.”