Cash for Soiled Underwear

In another step calculated to move the ailing economy along, the Obama administration today announced the “Cash for Stinkers” program. Coming on the heels of the uber successful “Cash for Clunkers” program designed to replace aging gas guzzlers, the Stinkers program moves into uncharted territory: that of replacing stained underpants with new, Made in America briefs, jockeys and panties. Each soiled garment would be surrendered at local clothing stores and a cash voucher immediately issued to the bearer for use in the purchase of  newly produced underwear. While Democrats mainly hailed the idea as innovative, Republicans were more circumspect insisting that the program be amended in such a way that the soiled undies of illegal aliens not be allowed to contaminate the malodorous melting pot of used under garments.  Senator Jeff Sessions, noted GOP racist, threatened a fillibuster if Republican demands for an all American program not be honored. “I don’t want to see American tax dollars being throw at a bunch of illegal brown people waving soiled skivvies, he said. He then added, “We also want to ensure that each soiled garment be destroyed so that it can’t simply be recycled and sold to the public as previously worn ball buckets and G strings”. Blue Dog Democrats had a few words as well. Rep Jim Cooper of Tennessee asked that safeguards be put in place to ensure that “replacement garments be made by Americans in America”. Much headscratching ensued when it was pointed out by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell that underwear sold in America is actually produced offshore. “We haven’t manufactured clothing in the United States for a generation, he said. “The corporations are of course, American, but the labor force is foreign in order to keep the prices competitive. How are the CEO’s supposed to grow their wealth if they have to shave millions off their bonuses to pay American workers a living wage? As it is they’re forced to incorporate in the Cayman Islands using  post office boxes as corporate headquarters to avoid paying U.S. taxes.” Senate leaders agreed to meet after their August recess in order to come up with a workable solution and issued a press release cautioning Americans to keep their soiled underwear in a safe place until details of the Stinkers program are settled.