Texas Governor Stimulates Teabagging Rednecks

Texas Governor Rick Perry today drew a metaphorical line in the sand during a speech at the local Fox News sponsored teabagging rally. “It’s time we showed Washington what we’re made of”, said Perry while pumping his fist in the air. “We’re the Lone Star state and we can take care of ourselves. In fact, I think it’s time for us to seceed from the Union!” This call was met with raucous cries of “we don’t need no stinking union”, from the dozens of teabagging participants  standing in front of the Alamo, reading from scripts handed out by Sean Hannity earlier in the day. “We won’t take a dime of Obama’s filthy stimulation money”, shouted Perry. One of the crowd, dressed in a Confederate uniform called out, “what about the highway funds?”.  Perry looked nonplussed. “Well, of course we’ll take that. we gotta have roads, right?” Another participant, busily teabagging the man next to him shouted, “What about education money?” Looking irritated the governor shouted back, “well naturally we’ll accept education dollars, we don’t want none of our children being not uneducated less!” A reporter from Time Magazine put up his hand. “Governor, will you accept federal dollars to fund your annual Alamo reenactment, and wildlife restoration and healthcare and the Texas cigarette reclamation program?”  Perry shrugged, “Well, of course… yes, yes… we’ll accept that money, but only if Obama’s picture doesn’t appear on the dollar bills.” Several other reporters began questioning Perry’s funding priorities until the governor stopped calling on them. Red faced he said, “Okay look… we’re gonna take a total of $17 billion from Obama for all that stuff, but not a dime for unemployment payments. Do you hear that, Washington? Not a red cent will go to unemployed Texans!” Still reading from their scripts, the crowd of mainly unemployed Texans began singing the Texas state song, “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” while marching in a choreographed circle. “See there, said Perry rhetorically, Texans aren’t nothing like other people.”