Glenn Beck went on the record today, officially acknowleding the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “It’s big, said Beck, bigger than the island of Rhode Island. Bigger than the state of Manhattan and possibly even bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s personal putting green.” He pointed to a chalk outline resembling the Blob. “The Senate has been holding hearings to determine who’s at fault for this mishap; BP says it’s Transoceanic who says it’s Halliburton which blames the whole mess on Obama and a backed up toilet in the West Wing of the White House. Personally, I don’t care whose fault it is. In fact, let’s forget about laying blame at anybody’s doorstep. Instead, let’s embrace this disaster and do what Socrates said back in the days of yore: if life gives you lemons, make them pay. See where I’m going here? All this whining and griping about millions of barrels of oil spewing into the pristine waters of the Gulf: ‘it will ruin tourism’, ‘it will decimate the fishing industry’……. forget about all of that! Tourists and fish going off to find unspoiled areas…. that’s what the problem is, not the oil.
Know what I say? Drill baby drill and then drill some more! Let’s not clean up the beaches in Louisianna, let’s don’t save the beaches in Corpus Christi, just let ’em go under! Drill off San Diego, drill off Santa Barbara; we don’t need fewer oil spills, we need more! Instead of waiting for another disaster to contaminate the shores in Alaska’s Prince William Sound again, let’s create a man made continental disaster! Here’s my point: if all the beaches in all the states, Atlantic and Pacific and other places too are slimey, gooey tar beds, where are your tourists and fish gonna run to? There’s nowhere to hide, baby…. every beach is a stinking oily mass. You can sink up to your ankles in crude along the salt marshes off New Orleans or spend the day picking tar balls out of your butt crack in Tampa Bay. Either way you can forget about getting sand between your toes….. those days are gone forever. No point in bailing out a sinking boat if all the other boats are sinking right along with it, right? When all the beaches and oceans are equally total crap we won’t be bothered with tourists or with fish either for that matter. And just think about the economic angle for America: by drilling in every conceivable location, instead of having just 2 percent of the global oil reserves we’ll have 3 percent! Put that down your blow hole and smoke it, Greenpeace!”