Texas Governor, Rick Perry, announced today the formation of a committee to investigate the feasibility of his state seceding from the union and becoming a self sustaining country within the borders of the Continental United States.
“We Texans were always a stand alone crowd. We were standing together but alone before we were a state, and unlike other states we got only one star on the U.S. Flag. That’s why we’re called the Lone Star State. The Mexicans tried to take our land, but when they invaded, we built the Alamo and kicked their tortilla eating asses. After that we captured Santa Ana, their commanding general and shipped him to California where they named a freeway after him. But I’m getting ahead of myself historically.
Our plan is to secede from the United States and become a separate country called Glenbeckistan where all the patriots stand together alone. That federal constitution with all its bothersome amendments will be null and void. We will no longer pay taxes to the federal government, in fact there will BE no taxes. In Glenbeckistan everybody will build their own hospitals, sewage plants, and toll roads. You build a hospital and then charge admission to get in. You build a toll road and then collect from everybody who wants to use it. In Glenbeckistan we’ll have an all volunteer police force and fire department. There won’t be much crime since we’re keeping out undesirables like blacks, Mexicans, Hawaiians, liberals, homosexuals and orientals. We’ll be a Christian nation just like the United States used to be. Our law will be the Holy Bible and we will smite anyone who violates the Commandments as interpreted by the Lone Star Holy Inquisition.
Some have said that in Glenbeckistan women will be downtrodden and discriminated against. Nothing could be further from the truth. Naturally, women won’t be seen much. It’s unlikely their husbands will let them drive cars and such, and when they do go outside they’ll have to be covered appropriately so’s their naughty parts aren’t inviting lust. The Moose-lums at least got that part right. In Glenbeckistan women will concenrate on fulfilling their God given role as servants and breeders and let the men decide what’s best for them.
Prayer will naturally be mandatory. All over Glenbeckistan church bells will ring when it’s time to face west (away from Washington, DC) and pray to the Holy Father. Faiths other than Christianity will, of course, be tolerated, but their houses of worship will be burned to the ground, the church members sent to re-education camps and their assets seized. Oh, and it goes without saying that they won’t be permitted to reproduce, but other than that, anything goes.
Morality on the streets of Glenbeckistan will be enforced by the Loyal Order of Holy Rednex whose job it will be to ensure that the sexes are properly separated, improper books removed from shelves, immoral movie houses shut down, and that women are always accompanied by husbands or male relatives.
Schools will be encouraged to teach proper world history and science (Bible and Creationism) but differing points of view are always encouraged. Just kidding!
Healthcare will be provided as needed: if you can’t afford it, you don’t need it.
As you might guess, we’re not too worried about illegals trying to sneak into Glenbeckistan, but we may need some pretty tall fences to keep folks from escaping.