Some of those outraged over what is happening to our country want to take direct action and are considering attending one of those corporately funded Astroturf tea parties. Unfortunately some feel they won’t be welcome because they’re not fat white middle aged douchebags. Is there any way around these requirements? You bet!
While the right wing lunatic fringe has some pretty stringent requirements for those who want to climb aboard their crazy train, there are ways around the standard requirements. First off, obviously if you’re not “one of us” then you must be “one of them” and automatically disqualified. So be of the proper color. (How else could you possibly be outraged?) Enough said on that topic.
Next, you may have noticed that floppy straw headgear with dangling tea bags has replaced the standard tin foil hats of the past. This came about once it was discovered that the United Nations had stopped broadcasting mind control messages in favor of simply putting the Anti-Christ in the Oval Office. Fox News has reported that you still have 30 days in which to get a free tea bag hat if you surrender your tin foil garb by mail. You can get a postage paid mailing label at Useful [email protected].
Morbid obesity, while encouraged by the tea party masters, may be overlooked if you have shown exceptional initiative in designing your anti-Obama signs. You might want to veer from the standard ho-hum messages seen at so many rallies today: Nazi, Socialist, Kenyan…. try something more “out there”. For instance, complaining that Obama is not a citizen of the United States is about as imaginative as pointing out that Rush Limbaugh is a pig eyed drug addict. Try something more exotic, perhaps alleging that Obama isn’t even from planet Earth. Books and pamphlets by Glenn Beck can help in this area. Glenn knows a lot about a little bit of everything. We know this is true because it says so on his chalkboard.
Younger patriots who haven’t had the years required to add inches to haunches and gut can generally skate through as long as they bring firearms. Be vocal about your cold dead fingers and the prying of them from your guns. Remember, just because Obama hasn’t said or written anything about coming for your guns doesn’t mean he’s not going to do it. You can tell he’s thinking about it, and that’s good enough for a true patriot. Note: “watering the tree of liberty” is metaphorical, not literal. Several of the Baggers were arrested at the last rally for watering a variety of trees. Save the six packs for after the rally.
Finally, remember that you must register for the spontaneous Tax Day Protest on April 15th. Your voluntary donation fee (which is mandatory) must be received at Freedom Works two weeks before the event to reserve a seat on one of the Patriot Express buses that will transport participants to the official Fox News Central staging area for the completely unrehearsed Pre-Bag Rally.