In an attempt to tame the hysteria associated with mass shootings in America, Fox News has declared the launch of a TV channel devoted exclusively to firearm massacres, thereby taking the burden off the regular programming channels which have had their broadcast schedules disrupted in order to provide coverage.
Rusty Myers, staff director at the Fox Channel, said that starting a mass shooting channel makes perfect sense.
“You’ve got your Weather Channel, Animal Planet, Golf Channel, Food Network, plus channels devoted to poker, illiterate rednecks and cartoons, so why not?”
Although the plan had originally been to begin the MS Fox (Mass Shooting) channel on January 1st, “to start off 2016 with a bang”, the latest massacre in San Bernardino persuaded the program managers to do the launch a month early.
“We weren’t ready for San Berdoo, said Myers wistfully, we missed out on 14 killings with a pursuit and a balls to the wall fatal shootout with the police ……. there’s really no excuse for holding back now”
According to Myers, MS Fox will be littered with bodies from the first broadcast, which is now slated for December 15.”
“There have been 355 mass shootings in America so far this year, said Myers, and with any luck we can close out 2015 with an even 365, making it one per day. We haven’t planned for Leap Year yet.”
The staff director was quick to point out that MS Fox would be more than blood and guts.
“As with all its news programming, MS Fox will be taking the high road. Sure, there will be visuals of twisted, bullet riddled corpses, close ups of walls splattered with intestines and even recreations of victims’ heads exploding, using state-of-the-art computer generated graphics. But our reporters and film crews will be out there getting down and dirty in the trenches, bothering the police and hopefully filming the last gasps of victims before they bleed out.”
Fox’s Steve Doocy has been tapped to anchor the new program, and will be leaving his post at Fox and Friends to take the post.
“It will be a change of pace for me, said Doocy, and I will miss working with Elisabeth Hasselbeck who’s been talking trash with me on F&F for like forever. She’s really hot.”
Doocy, who has received eleven local EMMY Awards, says that he is no stranger to violence, having once interviewed former Vice President Dick Cheney right after the VP shotgunned his lawyer in the face while dove hunting.
“There’s also the time a homeless guy got run over by a garbage truck right in front of me in Manhattan. His screams were so upsetting I almost lost the lid on my Starbuck’s Mocha Frappe. Luckily I was able to set the cup down on the ambulance stretcher while the EMT’s scraped up his remains.”
There was reportedly a rumor that MS Fox would see a return of Sarah Palin, due to the Alaskan native’s familiarity with guns and killing, but there were objections from those who had worked with her during her previous stint on Fox News. “She always smelled like she just got done cleaning a bucket of fish,” said one anonymous staffer. “And not in a good way.”
