Denny Hastert, Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives from 1999 to 2007, has agreed to take a plea deal from the US Attorney’s office, following his indictment for illegally paying hush money and then lying about it to the FBI.
The $1.7 million in hush money was allegedly paid to a former student from the late 1960’s in Yorkville, NY when Hastert was a high school wrestling coach.
According to Mr. Hastert’s attorney, the student was a member of Hastert’s elite “cock wrestling team”, as were several other boys who remain unidentified at this time.
Speaking through a public relations representative, the former student, identified only as Tea Bagger, said that the clandestine night time wrestling matches occurred in Mr. Hastert’s living room atop a faux bearskin rug, whenever Mrs Hastert was hosting out of town Tupperware parties. He added that all the participants were nude, as was required by the rules of Olympic cock wrestling.
“Denny used to give us pep talks (and vodka) while rubbing down our bodies with Wesson Oil, said Tea Bagger, getting us ready for the match of the evening. He was a master of some of the classic wrestling moves like the barrel roll and the snake. Once, when he had me pinned in the penetration step move, he whispered that he was ‘going places’. I assumed he meant achieving his goal of becoming a politician, but it turns out the only place he went that night was into my dark cavern.”
Hastert had been elected Speaker after Newt Gingrich was forced out of Congress following a flurry of ethics charges, including cheating on his mistress with another woman while his wife was in the hospital undergoing cancer surgery.