Still smarting from accusations that Obamacare is based on Romneycare, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney went on the offensive, unveiling his plan for a revamp of the American healthcare landscape.
“The first thing I’ll do after I get sworn in on the Book of Mormon, is repeal Obamacare,” said Mr. Romney to a dozen puzzled customers behind him in line at a Burger King in Chambers, Oklahoma. “People don’t need affordable healthcare, they need healthcare they can afford, and the only way to bring down the cost of healthcare insurance is to develop policies with deductibles the size of Texas. Think of the money the average American family could save by having a policy that doesn’t kick in until after $50,000 has been spent. Why a fellow making minimum wage scrubbing toilets could afford that kind of coverage for his family… even if he had to cash in a few of his municipal bonds or borrow from his 401(k) to get started.”
Called upon by the BK employee at the counter to place his order, the former Massachusetts governor appeared nonplussed as he scanned the menu. “Gosh, I’m not familiar with Oklahoma cuisine, he said, I’m guessing that this ‘Whopper’ item harkens back to tribal customs…. like wigwams and so forth…? Oh wait… I see you serve frappes … who knew that clod bustiers in the American mid west spoke French? Let me have one of those, s’il vous plait and perhaps a goblet of garbure, luke warm.”
Turning back to the increasingly impatient customers waiting in line, Romney misread their dour looks. “I see you have doubts as to how my plan will rein in hospital costs, my friends. It’s really quite simple and adheres to free market principles; those who lack insurance will find themselves locked out of emergency rooms. Surely, if they were well enough to stagger all the way to the hospital, they are well enough to totter on home again. Hospitals are owned by corporations, my friends and corporations are people. For that matter, so is Soylent Green, and once I’m elected I’ll be telling you more about that.”