A well known Wall Street firm has announced plans to hire thousands of barely skilled and currently unemployed workers in what is being called the biggest outpouring of charity a financial firm has ever contemplated.
“Forget those low paying service sector jobs flipping burgers and shuttling bed pans”, said Goldman Sachs CEO, Lloyd Blankfein at an afternoon press conference. “My firm has immediate openings in its new two tier job program. Seems that quite by accident one of our janitors stumbled across an underground cavern right below Wall Street that is apparently full of money. Ground radar puts the depth of the cavern at around a thousand feet and the interior is estimated to encompass about 80 acres. Think an ocean the size of Disneyland, he said, but full of greenbacks instead of Exxon tar balls.”
“What we’re looking for is people with a high school education or GED to count the money and then some strong backs to haul the sacks of cash up to our vault for later transport to the Cayman Islands.
We’re thinking we’ll need about 5,000 temporary employees to begin the process and maybe more as those new hires inevitably die off or get injured.”
When asked about salary and benefits for the temporary hires, Mr. Blankfein was observably annoyed. “See, that’s the problem with this great country of ours today; it’s full of nasty selfish little people grasping for living wages and job security. No wonder they’re being replaced by “disposables “ from Mexico and China who are willing to work 12 hour days for peanuts and be grateful for America’s corporate benevolence.”