Pulling ahead of the pack in the Right Wing race to be the most outrageous GOP candidate in history, Newt Gingrich distinguished himself at Thursday’s debate when he told moderator Howard Stern that as president he would simply ignore the other two branches of government.
“There’s no point in having federal courts that disagree with the chief executive,” he said. “George W. Bush was kind of leaning that way but he lost his nerve in his second term, frankly. Once I’ve taken the oath of office I’ll simply abolish any court that is foolish enough to stand up to me. That includes the Supreme Court, so I hope the justices are paying attention. When they appointed Bush to be president by canceling the vote count in Florida, they were dangerously divided: five right votes and four wrong ones. That simply won’t happen under a Gingrich presidency, frankly, it’ll be either my way or the highway. I know what’s good for America and as president I’ll rule the right way.”
Asked whether being drummed out of the House of Representatives in disgrace in 1999 by a near unanimous vote had been good for America, Mr. Gingrich was ready with an answer.
“Members of the House are in a good position to make lots of money, frankly, and that’s what I was doing. What you saw in 1999 was the result of a personal vendetta against me by a few sore heads who were frankly jealous of my ability to sustain a patriotic erection no matter how many distractions I was dealing with. They convinced the rest of the members that the fact that I was getting more ass than a DC bus bench while my wife was hospitalized for some allegedly life threatening cancer was giving the House a bad name. That and my making money for personal gain hand over fist on the taxpayers’ dime. I haven’t forgotten that insult and once I’m president Congress might just as well vote themselves a permanent vacation, because as Chief Executive I’ll eliminate that branch of government with a stroke of my pen. And I can do that, frankly. As a former historian I know whereof I speak.”
He waved off any further questions and instead made a final statement. “Oh , and one more thing. These red, white and blue flags flapping around behind me? Take a good look, because come January 20, 2013 they’re gone. Wife #3, Callista says the stripes make me look fat. So no more stars and stripes. I’ll have a committee design a new flag. Just between you and me I think Callista’s hairpiece looks like it was cast in bronze, frankly, but at least it doesn’t make her look fat, just extraterrestrial.”