At noon this past Wednesday, the 112th Congress began with audible weeping and gnashing of teeth. Not from the Democrats, who were circumspect about their midterm losses in the 2010 election, but from the new Speaker, John Boehner (pronounced Boner) who accepted the ceremonial clown gavel from outgoing Speaker, Nancy Pelosi.
“I’m proud to accept this award, said Boehner, choking up as he gripped the iconic mallet, and I want to thank all those who made it possible for me to stand here today.” At this point Boehner broke down completely, tears streaming down his orange tinted cheeks. Most of the House members took the spectacle in stride, having been a captive audience to Mr. Boehner’s emotional outbursts for years, but the incoming freshmen, appeared stunned. “I haven’t seen blubbering like that since the Wizard of Oz”, said Republican Daniel Webster of Florida, recalling the emotional outpouring of the Cowardly Lion in the 1939 movie classic. “Remember when Dorothy got all up in his grille?”. Rick Berg, newly elected representative from North Dakota chimed in. “If that guy was the Tin Man we’d have to spend our first day in Congress spritzing him with an oil can.”
Briefly regaining control of his emotions, the new Speaker began laying out the agenda for Republican controlled House of Representatives in 2011. “First thing we’re gonna do is read the Constitution out loud, something I haven’t heard since my 9th grade civics class when Mrs Woescher made us get up in front of the room and take turns. I remember how nervous I was and that lady….. that wonderful….. lady, held me to her bosom…. and …. and….”
“Again with the waterworks?” Jeff Duncan of South Carolina disgustedly loosened his tie. “If we don’t get some intervention from the Wizard we’ll never get around to impeaching that darky in the white house.”