ExxonMobil and Republican leaders in Congress held an unprecedented joint news conference this morning to announce the discovery of a gigantic pool of oil below the area known as Ground Zero in downtown Manhattan.
House leader John Boehner linked arms with ExxonMobil CEO Rex W. Tillerson in a symbolic gesture of unity as reporters gathered around the podium.
“We have called you here today to this hallowed ground to announce plans to exploit one of the largest finds of petroleum in history right here under our feet, said Boehner (pronounced Boner), his spray tanned face glistening in the noon day sun. “I think we can all agree that nothing could be more of a fitting tribute to 9/11 and our fallen friends and neighbors than to erect a gargantuan oil derrick in the shadow of what once was the World Trade Center.”
A reporter from the Washington Post spoke up. “Representative Boehner, just last week you were calling the idea of a Musim cultural center going up two blocks from here ‘sacrilege’ and ‘shocking’ and characterizing the proponents of it as ‘disrespectful’ to the memory of those who died here…..”
The congressman bristled at the reporter’s unseemly attack. “There’s a big difference between drilling for oil in sacred ground and letting Muslim children play basketball two blocks away, I think we can all agree on that point.
We of the GOP have always taken the high ground on what’s sacred, and believe me, this well is going to pump billions of sacred dollars into our campaign this November. You want to talk sacred? Let me remind you of our stand on traditional marriage, which Rush Limbaugh and Jesus define as a holy trinity of sanctity between one man and one woman. It is our belief that any marriage should stand the test of time forever and ever or at least eighteen months, and as proof I need only point to Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani. Here you have two stalwart Republicans, who have demonstrated with their combined dozen or so marriages, that being married to one woman can be pretty dull, but still last eighteen months, give or take. But I digress. As Forrest Gump once said, ‘stupid is as stupid does’ and to not drill in this sacred ground would be stupid. And unpatriotic. I mean, look around…. 9/11 was what ….. nine years ago? And Ground Zero is still just a big hole in the ground. Who can make money from a hole in the ground? Will, okay, a gold miner could…. but we’re talking oil here, so stop trying to change the subject. When this well starts a-pumping at full speed you’re gonna see Manhattan swimming in the stuff, and look what that did for New Orleans. ExxonMobil will load it up into ships offshore and sell it to China, thereby allowing them to produce more crap for Wal-Mart for which they’ll need more workers. And I say to you that in this country, any American has the God given right to move to China and apply for those jobs. So I say, drill baby, drill!”