Speaking before a room packed with reporters and legal scholars, Chief Justice John Roberts sought to give some perspective to the 5-4 decision of January 22 which some had claimed was the most stunning judicial upset since the Dredd Scott decision of 1857.
“I must say I’m rather surprised that you’re surprised, said the young Chief Justice, smiling. “If you pour gasoline on yourself and light a match, you’re going to get burned. If you tattoo a swashtika on your forehead, you’re going to be mistaken for a Nazi. And if you appoint corporate sucklings to the Supreme Court, you’re going to be sorry.” Still smiling, the boyish jurist went on, “Did anyone really expect a different outcome in this case? Everyone knows how we, and when I say ‘we’ I mean of course, the red meat right wingers on the bench… how we feel about corporations. For far too long the capitalists of this great nation have been hobbled by restrictions that frankly give away the store to the workers while adhering to unfair environmental laws that put the U.S at a disadvantage. And then on top of that, our billionaire industrialists are expected to pay taxes? Not on my watch, folks.”
Roberts went on to describe the New Contract With America as developed by the GOP to be rubber stamped by the Supreme Court. “There has been speculation that we might do away with child labor laws, he said, and that’s utter nonsense. From now on children must work, that’s the law. But we’re protecting the little nippers by putting in the Dawn to Dusk rule which stipulates that no children under eight years of age will be required to work more than 12 hours a day unless there are exigent circumstances. If say, one of the little tykes is crushed into hamburger while on the job, the kid next to him would be required to pick up the slack”.
Roberts paused while Blackwater operatives forcibly removed a lawyer from Columbia University who looked like she was about to pose a question.
“Workplace safety rules will still be in effect, but will now focus on protecting the profits of the corporation rather than the fingers and toes of the workers. The forty hour work week is, of course, out the window as is paid overtime. Vacations? Don’t need ’em, don’t want ’em. Unions? Don’t make me laugh. Environmental laws? Our position is that if the rank and file Chinese and Mexicans don’t need clean water, then American workers don’t either. National parks? With everyone working 52 weeks a year, who will have the time to visit them. Besides, they are literal gold mines and oil fields just waiting to be exploited.”
A shouted question from the audience was taken up by Roberts even as the shout-ee was clubbed to the ground. “Someone asked how all these laws could possibly be enacted in a democracy such as ours, and the answer is simple: Congress is now legally bought and paid for. Senators and Representatives who go along with what we Supremes call “The Rubber Stamp Act” will be kept on to do the Lord’s work. The rest will be flushed down the toilet of history. We’re currently negotiating a purchase price for the next president, and my goodness she is a fighter…. a pitbull with lipstick some would say. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the New Age.”
Damn Roberts looks smug in that photo, and we’ll probably be stuck with the prick for another 20 years.
Damn Roberts looks smug in that photo, and we’ll probably be stuck with the prick for another 20 years.
Duhbya’s was a Contract ON America. The Supremes on the right, of course, have always professed their antipahy to judicial activism, but of course going back to a decision fifteen years before the law covering the issue under question on the calendar and reversing it isn’t activisim. it is REactivism. It took a rather bloody war to see the end to Dred Scott–I hope this one isn’t a harbinger.