I’m still kicking myself for the fee I paid at Hollywood Video for renting this snooze fest. There was a homeless guy outside the place who could have made better use of the money, even if he was going to spend it on Thunderbird Wine. Having seen the ads on TV where the audience viewing the movie seemingly gasps in horror, I had high hopes for this one. Alas, it was not to be. My right hand began itching for the remote control about 20 minutes into the film (driven perhaps by spirits?). Oh how I longed to fast forward as the protagonists went about their exceedingly boring activities, yet I resisted (restrained perhaps by some evil entity?) For those who don’t already know, the action of the story takes place in the bedroom of this unmarried couple, Katie and Micah. (The last time I encountered a dude named Micah, he was the sheriff in the TV series The Rifleman, which should have forewarned me….. precognition or happenstance?)
When I say “action”, I refer of course to non sexual activities occurring on bedsheets that go unwashed throughout the 21 days of the experiment. What experiment you ask? You’ll be sorry you asked. Well, see this Katie person has had a malevolent entity hot for her bod since she was a pre-teen. Doesn’t matter how many times she packs up and moves, the entity stays with her like a case of genital herpes. Anyway, Katie starts shacking up with Micah who has this really cool house in suburbia, which as far as we know, isn’t located on the site of some ancient graveyard. Katie has told Micah about Earl (a name I’ve given the Entity so I don’t have to keep typing “entity”). Micah is really impressed. “Geeze, he says at one point, how come I don’t have an entity hot for MY ass?” I’m kidding. He doesn’t say that. What he does say is that this would be a marvelous opportunity to catch some “paranormal activity” on video tape. See where we’re headed here? Despite dire warnings that paranormal critters are especially cranky about being captured on tape, Micah moves ahead with his project, carrying his excessively large and cumbersome video camera (and the audience) into every conceivable nook and cranny in the house. Except the bathroom when Katie is taking a shower or a dump, which says to me that Micah knows nothing abut baiting sexually repressed paranormal entities. But I digress. Micah sets up the video camera on a tripod so that the couple’s constantly unmade bed stays in the foreground. Before long, things start to happen. When I say “before long” I’m stretching the truth. Actually quite a bit of time goes by but thankfully Micah takes pity on us and fast forwards the video tape showing a couple in the throes of non passion, night after night. At one point the sheets billow out on Micah’s side of the bed but based on Katie’s facial expression, this is attributed to bad digestion and excessive protein in Micah’s diet. Just kidding. But we do see the bedclothes flapping around which in the world of ghost hunters is pretty terrifying.
One morning while the couple is watching a tape of the night before, we see the bedroom door move. Ohmygod! Micah immediately uncorks Katie’s expensive bath talc and sprinkles it all over the floor, because as everyone knows, any paranormal who is stupid enough to get caught doing stuff on video is also stupid enough to fall for the old talc-on-the-floor routine. And he does, the very next night! Have Katie and Micah been saddled with a retarded entity or does it just act like one?
Time to call in a spirit expert. No, not a bartender, but a for real “paranormal researcher” who is invited to render an opinion. He patiently explains to the disappointed couple that while he is unsurpassed as an expert in certain spooky ghost stuff, he obviously doesn’t know jack about this type of spooky ghost stuff, implying that they are so dense they might take their Jeep to a maternity store for repairs. The only “demonologist” who can dispatch this entity, he says, is currently away on vacation (I’d sure like to hear the message on HIS answering machine: “I can’t get to the phone right now. If this is an emergency give the Pope a call”) Unable to shed light on the mysterious happenings chez Micah and Katie, the ghost hunter geek nevertheless can’t resist tossing out a chunk of wisdom ala Cliff Claven from Cheers: do not under any circumstances try to contact Earl using a Ouija board! Apparently this is like waving a pair of soiled panties under the nose of Tiger Woods and can only lead to unspeakable consequences. Can you guess what Micah does next? As Micah sets up the forbidden board, an agitated Katie waves her arms and growls at her paramour. Possession? No, she’s just upset that Micah doesn’t understand Earl’s motivation. Nor do we, for that matter, but perhaps this offers up an explanation of why Katie, who is rather busty, always wears a bra under her nightie. (Didn’t see that one coming did you?) Obviously she seeks to mitigate her allure to the lusty supernatural sasquatch haunting her existence.
As paranormals are wont to do, Earl stubbornly refuses to cooperate with Micah and his dime store Ouija board, apparently sitting in ghostland, arms folded, petulantly ignoring Micah’s taunts. Until the couple turns in for the night, that is, when Earl makes the board burst into flames, indicating that he is ready to try for second base with Katie.
As time goes by we see increasingly bizarre occurrences on the fast forwarded video tape: the door closes. And opens. And closes. At one point Katie, apparently sleepwalking, gets out of bed and stands looking at Micah for hours. Is she going to smack him with a pillow or do a seductive strip tease? Alas, neither occurs and it’s beginning to look like even Earl is getting bored with this do nothing couple. But wait…. now they find the charred Ouija board….. proof that whoever left footprints upstairs is smart enough to find the stairs leading to the first floor! This is getting serious! And look…. Katie is starting to get bruises. They summon the same geek who couldn’t help 15 minutes ago, and guess what? He still can’t help. And the only guy in the world who can is still on vacation. (Cruise in the Bermuda Triangle?)
By now Katie and Micah are so desperate that they keep doing what they’ve been doing all along: pissing off Earl the Entity and not putting their bed sheets through the wash cycle. As the 84 minute movie comes to its climax Micah meets his end amid extra loud thumping as he charges into a darkened hallway off the bedroom to save Katie who apparently wandered off looking for more bath talc. Suddenly Micah’s limp body is hurled at the video camera and Katie stalks out of the dark either possessed, sleepwalking or both. And we mortals are reminded that there are supernatural beings so powerful that they can cause fires, possess human beings, slam doors and flap bedsheets. But there’s not a thing they can do about being video taped. Unless they’re smarter than Earl.
There are so few movies any more that I feel MUST be seen in a theater. If the film doesn’t work on my home screen then I missed nothing by not going to the matinee. I’m thinking that those who shelled out the sheckles for this tripe sought to surround themselves with others of like mind. I wonder how many wore lapel buttons proclaiming: “I was taken in by the Blair Witch Project too!”