White House Occupied by a Foreign Born Enigma

Like fingernails on a blackboard, the screeching at townhalls across the US has reached an earsplitting volume. With the passing weeks it has become apparent that far from being the number one topic, healthcare and its proposed reform has become a back burner issue. Crude handmade signs scrawled with messages of anger and disgust have sprung up at carefully orchestrated spontaneous eruptions revealing a  deep set  unrest in the country. Your intrepid reporter has braved several of these turbulent protests in order to turn over a few rocks  and see what lurks beneath.

Punayp, Colorado, August 4:
I approach an obese white man outside the high school auditorium to ask about his sign which reads: “Back I Want My Country”. Turns out he’s unemployed and mad as hell. “I used to make a pretty good living as a fire department dispatcher, but because I’m dyslexic I sometimes skewed the addresses when people called 991 to report a blaze. They’d say 2121 Main Street and I’d type in 1212 instead. And that’s whose fault? Mine? When I got my high school diploma back in 1659 nobody complained about me. Then that Kenyan feller gets elected president and in the same week I get booted onto the street. Can’t be no coincidence”.

Delmar, Virginia, August 10:
A white lady with double chins and circus tent sized sweat pants takes a break from waving her placard (“No Socialized Medicine; Hands off my Medicare”) to light up a cigarette. “I used to work on a assembly line making them little pins that go inside the valve stems on tires. I had a paycheck, a pension and a Hummer. Then Firestone closes the factory and ships it off to China, my pension goes in the toilet and I have to go on Medicare for my asthma and emphysema. I still got the Hummer but I had to sell the wheels in order to buy cigarettes, so it’s up on blocks in my daughter’s driveway and that’s where I live now. That black Mooslum done sold us out and now I gotta worry that I won’t pass the test when he puts me in front of the death panel. Thank God for Sarah Palin, just before Obama fired her from her governor job she exposed his plan to stamp out the white people.”

Fallstaff, Ohio, August 12:
“I saw on the Innertubes that there was gonna be an unplanned protest at this here town hall meeting. Some patriotic group called Americans for White Justice said to show up today at exactly 10:00 A.M. and take part in a spontaneous grassroots demonstration and shout slogans off this script they handed out when we got off the White Justice bus. They promised us a box lunch and maybe an appearance on the TV if anybody draws blood, so here I am. I got all the time in the world since I got laid off at the spatula factory. And I got that Nazi lovin’  half breed in the Awful Office to thank …. says so right here in the second paragraph.”

Merridian, Ohio, August 17:
I found myself next to a morbidly obese white guy trying to work his bullhorn. He was grateful when I showed him how to insert the batteries and he took a moment to explain his position. “I’ve been a white guy all my life and never had to apologize for it. Now we got brown hordes stormin’ across the border, Punjabs runnin’ the 7-11’s, KO-reens in the dry cleaning shops and that O-bama as president selling out the opposite side of his race. He’s half black ya see, but he’s also half white and whichever half is runnin’ the country wants to come and take my guns. My son said that according to his history teacher O-friggin’-bama is a “nigma wrapped in a condom” or some such”. I asked if perhaps he meant, “an enigma wrapped in a conundrum” and he said that sounded about right. “See, back in 2008 I didn’t vote for no nigma, but there he is, sittin’ in George Bush’s chair playing with his gangster bling and watchin his mother-in-law pratice witchcraft. This isn’t the America that won the War of the Worlds back in 1812. This isn’t the Christian nation that was founded on the superior white race against the Indians and it sure as hell don’t look like we gonna have the Billy Rights much longer, especially, chapter two where it says all about guns and our country ’tis of thee”.