Do you have Time Warner Cable? I do. I used to have Adelphia but the family that owned the system got sent to prison a while back for misappropriating funds and Time Warner realized that their AOL disaster could be eclipsed by an even bigger blunder if they bought a cable company. I have this thing with my cable service where certain channels present on the TV screen as if the signals have been scrambled by the NSA; tantalizing glimpses of programming interspersed with blasts of noise, black screen and pixels; sort of like listening to your FM station in the car when you’re
j-u-s-t out of range of their transmitter. “Earthquake….. tune to….. do not under any circumstances….. take these items…..National Guard……. shoot to kill……”
I didn’t address the problem for several months because I dreaded being linked to a technician in India. Been there, done that. I got by for the longest time by triple recording programs I wanted to see on my Tivo, trusting that at least one of them would slip through the NSA scramblers. When my triple recording method got to the triple failure range I bit the bullet and sat down at the computer. (My internet service through Time Warner is surprisingly good; I’m sure they’re working overtime to solve that probem) Anyway, on the TW website I was invited to jump into one of their technical support chat rooms, and this I did. The transcript of the conversation went something like this:
(Analyst has entered the chatroom)
Oaktree: Hello, I am Oaktree and I will be assisting you. I appologize for any inconvenience that has been caused to you since the time of the dinosaurs.
Me: I accept your appology. Can you help me?
Oaktree: I am not aware of your problem that hasn’t been revealed in this time zone. And I notice that I am in control of the area of the Carolinas while you are in California.
Me: The premium channels I’m paying for are impossible to see.
Oaktree: It is suggested that electricity can be used when turning on the appropriate equipment.
Me: Is there another way to turn on the appropriate equipment?
Oaktree: Electricity is not the problem I am authorized to deal for you with. You are invited to call a phone number that will bring a solution to your current circumstances.
Me: So you can’t help me.
Oaktree: Yes. Is there anything else I can be of assistance for?
Me: Can you give me the phone number?
Oaktree: I have been happy to serve you in this manner.
(Analyst has left the chatroom)
Next I called the Time Warner problem solver line at 888-we-can’t-help-u-either. They gave me an appointment for an actual repair dude who actually showed up at my house with actual tools. He smiled indulgently and wagged his head when I told him of my experience with the TW chatline. “The chatline isn’t designed to fix your problem, he said, it’s designed to let you vent about the crappy reception you’re getting….. kinda like when you tell your kid there’s no monster under the bed; when you turn out the light the monster is still there, but the kid has learned that telling you about it won’t do any good.”
The repair dude got out his Ghostbusters gauges and hooked them up to my cable outlet and shortly lapsed into technical jargon. “Hmmmm… weak signal. Me fixum pronto.” I stood back to give him space while he clipped wires and muttered incantations. Within 30 minutes he was putting away his gizmos and the reception on the offending channels was superb. Until the following evening, that is, when I began getting a black screen with a TW message at the bottom: “searching for Basic cable signal and loving it”. I called the TW tech support line. “That means that something is disconnected,” came the perky reply to my query. I was persuaded to assume the position (kneeling) before my entertainment center and pull the cable box and Tivo out . (I was apprehensive because Mumbai computer support generally has me disassemble my computer and then drops the call). I pulled and pushed until I got the two units semi removed, amid a billowing cloud of ancient dust that summoned the image of the intrepid archaeologists who unearthed King Tut’s tomb thereby bringing the curse down on their heads. I noted the presence of two unattached black cables bobbing around like the feelers on an electronic sci fi grasshopper. “There you go, said Perky, you’ve found the problem.” Really? I realized in short order that there were a half dozen or so empty inputs and outputs on the back of the boxes. Which cable goes where? (Question: why are the back panels on stereos, TV’s, DVD players and every other electronic device always black with black raised lettering sort of like the Braille you find on ATM machines? )
I doggedly spent the next 20 minutes plugging the unattached cables into the various orifices with no obvious effect, except that my knees began complaining bitterly. By this time Perky had lost interest in my quest and suggested that I make an appointment to have an actual technician actually respond to my actual location at a time to be announced later. I actually don’t have a choice do I?