Turd de France Winner Recalls Lunar Landing

Lance Armstrong, 7 time winner of the famed Turd de France, took time off from his vigorous training session on Thursday to recall his walk on the lunar surface 40 years ago this month. It was in July, 1969 that Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Mike Collins, having blasted off from Florida decided to have a go at actually touching down on the moon. “The last ten missions had seen the guys fly all the way to the moon and then just gawk at it, maybe snap a few pictures. As you know, I’m a guy who goes for the gold and I suggested to my teammates that maybe we should fire our retros and make some history.” Armstrong said that he had astronaut Mike Collins rummage around in the equipment they had on board and sure enough there were two spacesuits. “This meant that one of us would have to stay on board the module and just… you know… gawk at the moon, maybe snap a few pictures, and I told the other guys it wasn’t going to be me”. Armstrong recounted how the other two men struggled to work out a way to decide who would get to land on the moon. “They tried flipping a coin, but the damn thing wouldn’t stop spinning. This was pretty amazing so we radioed back to Houston and told them what we had discovered. Instead of being impressed, the egg heads told us to check our oxygen levels in case we were  experiencing ‘oxygen deprivation’… can you believe it?” Armstrong went on to say that a spirited 2 out of 3 match of rock-paper-scissors saw Collins remaining in the Apollo module while he and Buzz Aldrin squeezed into the lunar lander. “There wasn’t room for my bike and this is something I’ve always regretted, said Armstrong, I just chalk it up to poor planning on the part of the geek squad that slapped this lunar mission together.” Asked about the memorable words he spoke as the first human to set foot on the moon, Armstrong was unapologetic. “All that ‘one small step’ crap you always hear about….. that’s what Houston wishes I would have said. They edited that in later. Putting on that spacesuit I had accidentally caught my pubes in the zipper and that ‘giant leap for mankind’ just about tore me a new one. After I blew off some steam they made us pick up rocks for hours just to put us in our place”.  Asked about the most startling aspect of being on the moon Armstrong grew thoughtful. “I think it was looking up and seeing the earth hanging there in the sky. I checked my watch and it was like after midnight and I thought to myself, “where’s the friggin’ moon?”