A federal judge has ruled that uniformed officers of the Los Angeles Police Department should be paid for the time it takes them to put on their uniforms and equipment each day. In a 39 page ruling U.S. District Court Judge Gary Feess said that cops are already granted tax deductions for buying uniforms and having them cleaned, so why not pay for actually dressing in them. He pointed out that poultry pluckers in Fort Gage, Kentucky, are paid for putting on rubber boots and hard hats, so it only makes sense to include police officers in this latest move to gouge taxpayers. “Look, he said in a recent interview, police officers are underpaid; you got firefighters making over $100,000 a year for pretty much just sitting around the station house hazing the new guys.” He went on to describe in detail the initiation of “newbies” in the L.A. Fire Department, which usually includes the shaving of all pubic hair. “First they apply the lather, which is kind of foamy so they have to really smooth it on and around the genitals, around and around, paying particular attention to the scrotum.” Noting the puzzled expression of the L.A. Times reporter, Judge Feess abruptly changed course. “Now, as I was saying, this ruling is based on a number of surveys given me by the police union and bolstered by accounts of officers who have given harrowing accounts of having to strap on 30 or 40 pounds of safety gear while simultaneously breathing and maintaining their balance. It’s only specially trained individuals who are capable of handling all those snaps, Velcro and zippers and still manage to tie their shoes without any outside assistance”. He stared off into the distance. “Just think about it. All those young men crammed into a sweaty locker room, shoulder to shoulder amid that heady aroma of man essence as they tussle with that masculine gear…. the creaking of leather, the staccato rasp of zippers going up, going down… and there, coming out of the shower, a young officer, barely out of his teens, the taut skin of his chiseled abs glistening as he whisks the towel from around his narrow waist…..” The judge’s male secretary reminded His Honor of an upcoming luncheon engagement at that point and the remainder of the interview was brusquely put on hold.
“Pay Cops to Get Dressed” says Judge
