Vowing to make a dent in the amount of money held offshore in secret accounts, President Obama today raised the ire of big business and by extension, Republicans. “I just don’t think it’s fair that the folks on main street have to pay a percentage of their wages in taxes while companies like KBR, by incorporating in the Cayman Islands, don’t pay a dime,” said Obama, speaking at a meeting with his economic advisors. He went on to point out that approximately $20 billion a year slips past the IRS, siphoned off by companies that actually get tax write offs by firing American workers and shipping their jobs to places like China and Honduras. “Wouldn’t it be nice if companies that profit from our American ideals and democracy actually benefited Americans instead of just lining their own pockets,” he said. Outraged Republican members of Congress, led by House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BONER), voiced profound opposition to Obama’s stated intentions. “What our socialist president fails to recognize, said Boehner, is the cable box analogy. If my neighbor is paying for cable TV does it make any sense for me to pay too, for the same service? Of course not! I just tap into his cable box, enjoy the programs and let that sap next door pay the bills.” Being fond of pie charts, Boehner held up a pie chart. “As you can see here, U.S. taxpayers get stuck for roads, emergency services, the cost of the military, subsidized rail lines and everything else that makes this country great. Along comes a corporation like Haliburton that relies on taxpayer money for no bid contracts to deliver piss poor services to our brave troops in Iraq and Afghanistan as they’ve done since 2003. As you can see here, Haliburton is already cornholing the taxpayers without vaseline or butt sweat, okay? And now they’re supposed to pay taxes on their obscene profits? That’s socialism! Or maybe facism… I forget which term we’re using this week. But in any case just remember the GOP mantra: American people may have to pay taxes, but American corporations have to pay lobbyists. And that’s only fair”.
Obama Attacks Republican Sweet Spot
