In a move to head off further public outrage and ridicule, it was reported that Penn State has agreed as part of a settlement to change its name to Penn-a-Trate U before next year’s season begins. However, this move has done nothing so far to stem the loss of sponsors who have been pulling out in greater numbers as new revelations have come to light. For instance, Penn State’s trustees have reportedly sought help from Rome.
The Vatican dispatched its “Dream Team” of attorneys which has decades of experience in handling child sex abuse scandals. Bishop Guiseppe Cremora, Prelate in Charge of the Team, in trying to get ahead of the 24/7news cycle, held a brief news conference. He pointed out that while organized sports has its share of pedophiles, as do the Boy Scouts, elementary schools and swimming teams, most hardcore abusers opt for religious organizations where they are much less likely to be exposed.
“We inna the Mother Church were a-practicing boy-love for centuries before Satan came along anna pulled back the curtain. So what Im-a saying here is that May-December romance in the football locker room donna happen all that much. Parents donna have to a-worry themselves about every little grease stain inna their boys’ underwear. Iffa the boy says nothing happened, just accept it and keep out a sharp eye for those police types that wanna go anna make a big deal out of nothing.”
Bill Mahon, vice president for university relations stepped up next and made a statement for the gathered press and onlookers. “Honesty is the key. I know we’ve lost some credibility in these past weeks, but we at Penn-a-Trate U have embraced the ideas put forward by the representatives from the Vatican who have shown us how to circle the wagons in this, our moment of shame. I can say here and now that you will never again hear of a shower room scandal involving naked men and boys at our school. Not a word will reach the press. Our do-it-yourself, internal inquisition process will ensure that no more damage is done to our proud heritage. So in closing, there’s nothing to see here, move along.”