Wayne LePew Gobstopper, president of the National Rifle Association, went on the offensive this morning following the massacre in Aurora, Colorado that occurred during the showing of the new Batman movie.
“Here we go again”, said Gobstopper, in a freshly minted Youtube video, with the requisite fluttering American flags and swelling patriot music. “The anti gun nuts and lefty liberal socialist hand wringers are once again pleading for something to be done about the availability of guns in this country, as if that would have made a difference in Colorado the other night. Well, I have a news flash for those opposed to the Second Amendment, we are doing something. We’re struggling to make guns more available to the populace. Most people don’t know that Colorado turned down our proposal to put firearm vending machines in gas stations, fast food outlets, bars and yes, also in movie theater lobbies. After the governor’s initial rejection we even offered to put the ammunition in separate machines at least 12 feet away from the firearm machines, a huge concession on our part, and they still threw out our idea.
Now, I’m not saying that the young man in the gas mask actually killed anyone. He’s innocent until proven guilty. And I’m certainly not going to stand here and defend the claim that the guns in his possession killed anyone. This may well have been a mass suicide pact entered into by people wacky enough to waste time at a friggin’ midnight Batman movie. Speaking of which, we now know beyond any doubt that Batman movies cause death and injuries. But I don’t see any Hollywood types calling for a ban on movies about fruity leather boys with specialty “utility belts” hung provocatively around their nerdy waists, prancing around on the silver screen. Maybe we should revisit the investigation of Jewish cabals running the entertainment industry, scheming with their NATO allies to take over the world while they sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.”