With the recent outing of Sheriff Paul Babeau, Arizona’s GOP hardbody lawman, Republicans in Congress are scrambling for funds to shore up their tattered reputation as keepers of the moral high ground. House Majority Leader John Boehner on Thursday issued a plea to all CPAC donors to consider diverting some of their thinly disguised bribes to his hastily contrived Cloister Of Congressional Kindreds (COCK).
Addressing a panel of high level Republican donors yesterday in Las Vegas, Mr. Boehner gave a thumbnail sketch of what had occurred.
“Seems that Sheriff Babeau had a boy toy we didn’t know about. As a TOP law enforcement official he had been brought to his knees by a threat from some BOTTOM feeder from the illegal immigrant community, who threatened to expose the depth of Paul’s entry into the disgusting underbelly of delight and sensuality we know as The GAY.” Boehner paused momentarily and directed the assembled billionaires’ attention to a large reproduction of Sheriff Babeau and his twink, projected on the wall.
“We have reached a point, gentlemen, where it’s obvious that the GOP closet just isn’t big enough, and as more and more staunch defenders of morality and the Christian faith keep lubing up and squeezing themselves in, it’s like a Wendy’s triple burger: when you squeeze it, something soft and gooey is bound to come shooting out. The fact is we need a bigger closet. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus has offered to divert some of his energies away from his federally funded ‘Pray Away the Gay’ clinic, to design something tasteful that reflects our strict moral discipline. Something to tame the barbarian that lurks in the nether regions of our self loathing sexual repression. I call upon you of the One Percent to give until it hurts. Help us tame the beast. Help us build a bigger closet.”