Chanting their well known tag line of “God Hates Fags”, members of Kansas based Westboro Baptist Church, burst into cheers upon hearing that a Missouri law prohibiting their disruption of U.S. Soldiers’ funerals had been struck down as unconstitutional. U.S. District Judge Fernando Gaitan ruled yesterday that Missouri’s attempt to allow grieving family and friends a quiet, dignified funeral for their fallen warriors was a slap in the face to those who wish to channel their hate via religious means. Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro church and accused child abuser, hailed the ruling as just and profound. “At last a little reason and sanity have prevailed, said Phelps, in a country where faggotry and idolatry have trumped all over the rights of His people to preach against our sodomite soldiers dying from Satan’s bullets and slings in the heart of lust and devouring Krispy Kreme doughnuts, in Jesus name I pray.”
Justin Meeks, attorney for parents Myron and Sylvia Chelsea, said that all his clients had asked for was a chance to lay their son to rest without interference by Phelps’ picketers, who shouted down the priest delivering a graveside benediction. Peter Chelsea, 24, had been killed in Afghanistan, while fending off Taliban attackers determined to burn down a girls’ school in Fayan Province with the girls still inside.
“They used bullhorns to scream obscenities at the gravesite, said Mrs. Chelsea, they called Peter a ‘worthless maggot of filth who died because he hadn’t worshipped the right way’. They held up a sign saying, ‘Thank God for Dead Soldiers’ and exposed themselves while doing some kind of weird dance.”
Asked about the Chelseas’ comments Reverend Phelps denounced the soldiers’ parents as “scum sucking defenders of homosexual eroticism”, before dropping his pants to reveal a panoramic tattoo on his buttocks depicting an outhouse and a banner stating, “This way to the glory hole of redemption.” Phelps said now that his constitutional right to hate had been upheld in court, his flock would descend on Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to denounce the “fag signers of the Declaration of Independence” and to urinate on the Liberty Bell as called for in his own hand written version of the Bible.