Testifying before Congress yesterday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates defended his decision to end a number of military projects he deemed wasteful or inappropriate. “Gentlemen, said Gates, the Pentagon is currently spending over $20,000 per second for all its operations around the globe. I feel that much of that taxpayer money is being wasted.” Asked to be specific about his criticism, the Secretary nodded to a subordinate who began projecting a Powerpoint presentation. The first image displayed was a boxcar sized contraption with a large metal scoop and several mechanical appendages emerging from its upper surface. “This is the XP-49, code named Gobbler, produced by Halitron-Worthington of Waco, Texas. It is constructed of titanium alloy, has gears made of industrial diamonds, can only be operated under a narrow set of climate controlled conditons, is manned by 12 specialists and requires 200,000 volts of electricity to function. It costs $456 million per copy” There was a buzz of conversation among the members of the Armed Services subcommittee before Senator Milvane spoke up, “Very impressive, Secretary Gates, very impressive. Obviously made in the USA, appears sturdy, has a commanding presence, but what does it do?” Secretary Gates read from a spec analysis, “The XP-49 was developed to replace the obsolete XP-39, code named Douche Bagger, by adding two more levels of manganese projection diodes along its dorsal surface. These diodes were further enhanced by the inclusion of a chain activated drop-down incandescent globe that consumes a paltry 40 watts and justifies the additional $68 million dollar add on to the overall cost.” A voice from the back of the room spoke up. “Mister Secretary….. a ‘drop-down incandescent globe…. ?” Secretary Gates seemingly embarrassed shuffled the papers in front of him. “It’s a 40 watt light bulb with a pull chain, Senator; it was so dark inside the X-39 that the technicians had to use flashlights whenever it became necessary to rotate the Cautionary Flannus tubes and overhaul the reverse threaded crank wheel sprockets. Obviously you don’t want to accidentally step on a Flannus tube in the dark!” There was general agreement among the senators present on that observation. “Now as to what the damned thing does…. well, we’re not entirely sure, and that’s the problem. The first of these units was developed during the Reagan administration at the height of the Star Wars anti-missile expenditures and all information about it was classified as ‘Double Dog Team Hanky Spank Pack Top Secret’. As you know, gentlemen, no one including myself, has clearance for that level of security, so the actual function of the X-49 remains a mystery. As near as we can determine from the original sketches made by the inventor, pulling the plug on this project will either reverse the rotation of the planet, or make carbon paper obsolete. So keep it or drop it? My advice would be to flip a coin”.
Pentagon Spends $20,000 per Second
