In a counterpoint to President Barack Obama’s rousing speech at the National Archives yesterday, former Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking at the American Enterprise Institute, boldly asserted his relevance once again. “America has not been attacked since the last attack, said Cheney, and that’s because of me. I can’t tell you how many attacks have been thwarted by my minions. Seriously, I can’t. Don’t ask.” Holding his right wing audience spell bound with his monotone delivery, the Dark Lord bragged of hapless detainees subjected to unspeakable horrors after they failed to acknowledge their connection to Saddam Hussein following 9/11. “I can’t tell you how many fingernails were pulled out, how many testicles were crushed or brains sucked out like gray matter Slurpies through a straw. Seriously, I can’t. Don’t ask.” The erstwhile Actual Prior President went on to ridicule Obama’s references to the “rule of law” and asserted that rules are made to be broken. “During the Vietnam War I was told I had to fight for America. It was the law, they said. Obviously I had other priorities, so I broke their rules.” Pausing to glimpse an onstage monitor showing President Obama standing before the actual U.S. Constitution, something approximating a smile squirmed briefly below Cheney’s nose before he resumed. “Rules don’t keep America safe. I keep America safe. The terrorists fear me. And fear is what keeps Americans easy to manipulate. They don’t need civil liberties, they need to obey and remain the loyal worker bees of the economy as I grant them the rights I feel they deserve. And what rights do they deserve? I can’t tell you. Seriously, don’t ask.”