Pontiff Raises Eyebrows with Canonizations

Pope Benedict XVI named five new saints today, but in a break with tradition, joined with  new Vatican sponsor, the Disney Corporation in determining who would be canonized. It had been expected that the Pontiff would select Portuguese hero Nuno de Santa Maria Alvares Pereira , a medieval warrior/friar, who died in 1431 and Bernardo Tolemi who had perished while ministering to plague victims in 1348. However, Pope Benedict, reading from a prepared statement in Vatican City said that it was time for the Catholic Church to embrace the future, or at least the recent past, and become more contemporary. He then officially canonized Doc, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy and Bashful, five of the seven dwarfs known and beloved as the companions of Snow White, from the 1937 Disney classic movie , “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”  Dopey and Sleepy were excluded from the list pending further investigation by Vatican authorities. “Dopey and Sleepy are-a still under the consideration and are certainly among the venerable, but have not yet achieved blessed status and therefore cannot be-a considered right-a now,” said Cardinal Tolusi during a meeting with world media representatives. Asked whether Mr. Toad might also be among those on the road to sainthood, Cardinal Tolusi wagged a warning finger at the brash questioner. “God gonna visit some-a locusts and-a boils on your butt with a attitude like-a that. Let’s try to keep-a things solemn and meaningful, okey dokey?”