Torture a Blessing says Cheney

Fresh from his latest undisclosed location, former VP Dick Cheney appeared on Fox News Sunday to pillory President  Obama for releasing his favorite torture memos and to defend the use of torture to get information from detainees. “The world is a nasty, evil place”, said Cheney, brushing undisclosed cobwebs from his hair, “a dirty, stinking hell hole of a rotten filthy place where you’re either with us or against us”. He held up a glossy photo of Maloriaw Distingoumogma, an obscure figure in Bush’s  War on Terror. “This guy here was in direct telepathic contact with Saddam Hussein and was the one who urged the Iraqi dictator to launch the 9/11 attacks. Ordinary questioning didn’t reveal that. We didn’t learn this crucial information until we had wolverines gnaw on his testicles”.  Next he held up a picture of  Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. “Everyone knows that this asshole was the mastermind of the attacks, but how did we get his confession,” he asked rhetorically. “It was no easy task, let me tell you. Beatings, cattle prods, being stretched on the rack… none of these standard techniques worked, but when we doused his hair with gasoline and lit him up he sang like a canary.” Fox host Giselle Thompkins posed her next question carefully. “So  you’re saying that torture as an interrogation technique does have value.”  Cheney sat back, his titanium joints creaking faintly. “Are you kidding? We not only learned that KSM as we call him, put together the whole 9/11 ball of wax, but as the ‘enhanced interrogation’ continued we found out that he was  also responsible for the destruction of the Hiddenberg and the sinking of the Titanic. By putting a stop to torture President Obama has ignored its success throughout history. For instance, in 1692  in Salem, Massachusetts, 279 minions of Satan were put to death during the War on Witches and believe me our forefathers there in Salem used some of the same techniques we used at Gitmo”.