Good Torture vs Bad Torture

Minutes after President Obama released previously secret memos detailing torture under the Bush administration, the author of the memos, John Yoo, appeared on Fox and Friends to explain them. “First off let me say that I admire our current nappy headed chief executive, said Yoo. I appreciate the fact that he took time to come out of his White House watermelon patch long enough to address this crucial topic.” Looking uncertain, Fox anchor Brian Kilmeade gently prodded the currently unemployed John Yoo to expand on the topic. “What the general public fails to understand is that there are two types of torture, said Yoo. There’s good torture and bad torture. Taking his cue, Kilmeade asked, “And what are the differences, are they like branding irons versus vigorous spanking?” Looking directly into the camera Yoo responded, “good torture is what America does, and bad torture is what everyone else does”. Looking puzzled, Kilmeade probed further. “So if I were to, for instance, strip a young woman naked, put a ball gag in her mouth and rub her naughty parts while wearing oven mitts….?” Yoo paused to take a sip of water. “That depends, Brian. I’m assuming  in this case you’re talking about one American citizen torturing another American citizen, and for that you would need a Yoo Hoo.” Kilmeade asked, “you mean the chocolate drink?” Looking exasperated, the about-to-be disbarred attorney said, “no, no… try to keep up here. A Yoo Hoo is a special permission slip, kind of like a ‘Get Out of Jail Free Card’, that was issued by President Bush after 9/11 nullified all international treaties, the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights. As Richard Nixon correctly pointed out during Watergate, ‘if the president does it, it’s not illegal’. Vice President Cheney asked me to come up with legal mumbo jumbo to justify torture and that’s what I did. I used twisty, pretzel-like logic to differentiate American torture that we used on hundreds of deserving Iraqis and Afghanis, from the other kind. But like I said, to torture an American you would have to get a Yoo Hoo.” Following a commercial break, Kilmeade appologized for the premature departure of his guest who said he had to go to a job interview at Lawyers R Us, a self help legal firm in Maryland.