Elderly Driver Kills 23 While Parking

Police in Redondo Beach, California were reporting today that a 78 year old driver killed 23 and injured 41 others while attempting to park her vehicle inside a bank. Sergeant Fred Markman said that the incident began when Justine Weaver crashed through the front doors of New Lincoln Savings on First Avenue in her 1985 Oldsmobile, mowing down customers waiting on line to withdraw their savings from the failed institution. “She mistook the accelerator,  for the brake pedal”, he said, adding that the driver compounded the problem by attempting to parallel park the car once she had reached the New Accounts desk. Mrs. Weaver, who was not injured in the incident, said that she has often had trouble with this particular car “because the go and stop pedals are right next to each other.” She went on to say that she lost concentration during the parking manuever because of all the screaming. “I had my windows down and some young fellow under my left front tire was hollering really vile things. I don’t understand why he wasn’t arrested on the spot”.  Authorities said that as she was unable to find sufficient room to park, the driver next crashed the car through the exit doors and drove off a small embankment causing the car to stall. According to the Department of Transportation, several hundred people are killed each year by drivers over the age of 70 who “don’t know their ass from their elbow.”