Rental Warnings

When browsing in Hollywood Video or Blockbuster, it’s useful to be able to immediately discard titles that might leap out at you, based on some inside information. For instance, you might chance upon a likely looking video about zombies. You like the title and the cover seems to hint at the action and horror contained within. But wait! First, turn the DVD case over and look down at the bottom right. If this offering was produced by Fullmoon Video or Brain Damaged Video, immediately return it to the shelf! It’s not that movies made by these companies are bad, it’s that they are terrible, awful, unwatchable. And they will be riddled with oddities and inconsistencies that brand them as amateurish, even clownish attempts hampered by improbable scripts, indifferent acting, clumsy special effects and mind numbing dialogue. Have I said too much? A word to the wise.

Next hint: Do not rent movies that depend on a “Z” in the title to push the DVD off the shelf and into your hands. Examples would be “Boyz”….. or “Gangz” or anything similar because these will inevitably be “Stinkerzzzz”.

Next: Just before a big production sci-fi or horror flick gets released on DVD, you will see several copies of DVD’s whose titles are close to or sound similar to the aforementioned movie. The producers of “The Day the Earth Stopped”, want you to think you’re renting the equivalent of “The Day the Earth Stood Still”. Don’t fall for it. This is equivalent to being asked to help out your buddy who wants you to escort gorgeous Sarah’s pal Beverly on a double date. You ask, “Does she look like Sarah? His response is, “she has a great personality”. We all know how this evening will turn out. Your buddy gets laid by a Victoria Secret model and you keep hoping the dog catcher wrestles Beverly into his van before she finds out where you live.

Next: Stay away from anything with “Kickboxer” in the title. “American Kickboxer”, “Rocky vs Kickboxer” , “Home Alone with a Kickboxer” Doesn’t matter. Don’t touch. (But if you find one called, “Gangsta Kickboxerz II”, drop me a line, I have a buyer lined up)

Next: Wow, check out the cover on that DVD! It’s like holographic and 3D and when you turn it from side to side the guy’s skull shows through…… okay, look. If the producers spent this much of their budget on the cover art you just know there is nothing on that DVD but heartache. Yours.

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