Facing criticism for a recent flurry of canonizations, including an Op Ed in the Vatican Times calling him the first assembly line saint maker, Pope Francis has dug in his velvet clad heels, calling the complaints vague and unscrupulous.
“I make any saints I want, any time I want, said the scrappy Pontiff, and if some bishop gets his silken undies in a bunch, that’s his problem, not mine.”
Perhaps to demonstrate his papal dismissal of critics he considers unworthy, Francis has upped the ante by installing the first do-it-yourself canonizer right next to the Vatican Cloak Room, where tourists can back up to a motorized statue of his Holiness, deposit 10,000 lira ($5.77 in US currency) and get mechanically canonized by the anatomically correct icon. At the moment of automated sainthood, the holy automaton exclaims, “Mama Mia!” as the realistic eyes roll and the canonizer gives a final forward thrust.
A personally signed certificate of sainthood then pops out from under Frank’s beanie along with a Handi-Wipe to eradicate the holy lubricant.
Comments from tourists have been mixed.
“I usually get kissed before being bent over, said Ursula B. from Dallas, Texas, but I wouldn’t want to hold up the line.”
“It was kinda like riding a mechanical bull, mumbled an embarrassed Brady T. from Los Angeles, but didn’t last as long.”