Fred Phelps: Flaccid at Last

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Fred Phelps, 84, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, was found dead yesterday kneeling at a glory hole in a public restroom in Topeka.”He died on his knees, said his daughter Margie, “doing what he loved most: preaching hate and bigotry to a world too focused on tolerance.”She said that her father often visited public restrooms in the Topeka area because “that’s where the biggest sinners are.”

She went on to explain that her dad used to stay up late, his eyes glued to his computer screen as he trolled for the fallen at sites like “Bareback Cowboy” and “RUHard Like Me” before heading out with a satchel full of salves and lubricants to minister to the leather crowd. Although the most reverend Phelps gained notoriety for quotes like, “you can’t preach the Bible without preaching hate”, and  “Thank God for 9/11” few people know that as a young man he had been accepted at West Point but never actually showed up.

“He found out that some of the cadets were Jews, said daughter Margie Phelps, “and everyone knows that Jew boys are circumsized.” She paused, wistfully fondling the rubber mask her father sometimes wore at gay raves. “He always said that God hated circumcision. And the removal of doors from mens’ room toilet stalls.”

Born in 1929, Phelps wasn’t disbarred as a lawyer and excommunicated from the Kansas Baptist Church until later in life when he heeded “the call” and formed his own church, the Slappmyasshard Holy Roller of The Lord Baptist Covenant. It was the Covenant church that eventually morphed into the self loathing “God Hates Fags” version of Phelps’ Westboro chapter.

Phelps is survived by a gaggle of sons and daughters of various ages, races and genders who have vowed to carry on their father’s tilting at homosexual windmills until their last spurt of pent up energy is spent.

 

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