Fernando Lugo, president of Paraguay, was forced last week to admit fathering the baby of a 16 year old parishioner while he was an active Catholic bishop. A very active Catholic bishop. Six days ago he recanted previous denials and admitted he was the father of two other babies born of two other underage parishioners, while doing bishop duties. Five days ago Lugo fessed up to impregnating a nun from the San Esteban convent while attending a bishop conference in Argentina. Four days ago he grudgingly conceded that he had supplemented his bishop salary by having young novice nuns dance topless at Captain Horndog’s Bar and Grill in Paraguay’s capital city of Asuncion. Three days ago he confessed to being married to his sister but insisted that since she was retarded with the mental capacity of a four year old, “it didn’t count”. Two days ago Lugo went on Paraguay’s national television network to appologize for being the only Catholic bishop ever to be caught soliciting prostitutes while roller skating in his bishop garb. On Monday, President Lugo told Paraguay’s National Assembly that it was pointless to waste time savoring his past indiscretions. “I think President Obama hit the nail on the head, quipped Lugo, when he said this was a time to look forward, not backward. I mean, come on…. it’s not like I was caught trying to orally copulate some dude in a men’s room like that Republican U.S. congress guy, Larry Craig, right?”
Paraguay’s President Concedes Sexual Escapades
