“Weight a Minute”: United Airlines

United Airlines says it is suffocating under the weight of America’s obese population. Speaking from its corporate headquarters in Springville, VA, company spokesman David Tarkington said that airplane seats in coach have pretty much reached their limit and that widening them any further would require much thinner  flight attendants, to move between the narrowed passage in the center of the airplane. “We’re thinking we might have to import people from Bangladesh or even Somalia if we’re forced to widen the seats again”, said Tarkington. He pointed out that sitting between two people with fat asses on a lengthy flight can be a harrowing experience, citing the example of a woman jarred awake from a nap when the fatties on either side of her both inhaled at the same time. “It got so dark she thought she was in the middle of a solar eclipse,” said Tarkington, and then one of them farted and she realized what had happened. She was able to fashion a snorkel using the inflight magazine and the underwire from her bra, but it was still touch and go for the last leg of her trip.” He went on to discuss options other than seat widening. “We’re thinking of making the porkers ride with the baggage. A surcharge would be added to the price of a ticket due to the cost of using forklifts to get them into the cargo hold and we’re working on a new design for the udercarriage of our 747 fleet that would incorporate a bomb bay just like on the old B-29’s in World War II, he said. ” Not everyone is in agreement about the direction United is taking. Mary Louise Boothe, spokesperson for Phat Fukerz, an advocacy group for morbidly obese Americans, said that her double wide constituents were being unfairly targeted. “People just love to make fun of  sweat hogs, she said, squeezing the last drop of raspberry filling from a jelly doughnut, and frankly I’ve had just about enough.”