Wearing his trademark Garth Brooks cowboy hat, Pope Benedict took time out from his world wide “I’m the Pope and You’re Not” tour, in order to chastise the people of Angola for generating a “cloud of evil” over the continent of Africa. Mopping his brow in the sweltering heat, the Pope interrupted his Sunday Mass before thousands of the faithful downtrodden to condemn the victims of war and tribalism endemic to Angola. “Every time-a one of you extra tan Catholics gets-a bullet in the head it-a gonna make-a the Angola government look bad. Not as-a bad as my horny bad boy priests make the Vatican look of course, but pretty a-fuckin-a bad”. The wail of a siren drowned out his Holiness at this point, as several ambulances arrived to remove the bodies of 40 or so people who had been killed in the stampede to see the Pope’s performance. “Since-a 1491 when Catholic missionaries first-a came-a here, you darkies been-a subjugated and made-a slaves, but what-a you gonna do…. thats-a God’s will”. He went on to say, “we gave-a you the missionary position and all-a we get from-a you is-a heartache. And diamonds. Lots of diamonds. The Mother Church been helping out with the distribution of that-a stuff, but it gets-a to be a royal pain in my most holy behind when a boxcar of- a diamonds arrives at the Vatican with-a blood stains all over the place; you get shot, you gotta crawl off and die someplace away from-a the action, okay? Maybe write a suicide note absolving the government of any wrong-a doing.”